Who:

The current government, led by Theresa May. If you’re unfamiliar with her, she’s the one who is probably Emperor Palpatine from Star Wars, but with a less approachable haircut and worse friends.

What:

An attempt to guarantee themselves another 5 years in power, with a likely minimum of another 15 years beyond that. In doing so, the party will lurch further towards the right, undoing the last 20 years of slow progress towards vaguely sane centrist policies.

Why:

Because they can. But also a whole host of complex and interdependent reasons. Aside from the depressingly Machiavellian motivation outlined here, Theresa May has a couple of problems she really wants to address.

Probably foremost among them is the fact she has a slender working majority of 17 seats and quite a lot of back-benchers who don’t like what she’s doing. The sane edge of the party doesn’t like the rhetoric surrounding the so-called Hard Brexit and are likely to vote against her at inconvenient times. They may create similar hurdles when it comes to grammar schools or any authoritarian bent on social policies.

She is also currently governing under the shadow of not having won an election. Initially this was beneficial, as it meant she’d promised nothing and was primarily tasked with enacting the Will Of The People. Now she has the opportunity to push her own policies, things need to change. What she needs is a mandate. It doesn’t have to be ‘for’ anything – in fact, the vaguer the better. But she definitely wants one.

By pushing for an election at a time when the opposition is trailing by ~20 points in the polls, the Prime Minister hopes to increase her majority. In doing so, the feelings of 20 or 30 still morally-functional human beings become less relevant. Some polls suggest she could even get a monster 3-digit working majority. She can then do pretty much whatever she wants with impunity; she’ll have the numbers one way or another. Defaulting onto World Trade Organisation tariffs which we’ll have to apply for before we even qualify for them? No problem. Mandatory mulching of the poor as soon as they say the words “healthcare” or “social equality”? Jeeves, bring me my Pov-Press 9000!

There is some truth to the idea of having a mandate for Brexit, but in reality it is her wider policy platform she wants the sign-off for. Nobody really thinks Brexit won’t happen now. It will. Nobody in a position to is seriously challenging any part of it, except within the Tory party, from those who don’t want us to crash and burn with no deal.

Something else to consider is that we may end up seeing Scotland have another referendum and leave the UK. I can’t blame them for this, but what it’ll do is massively increase the Conservative parliamentary majority in real terms across the rest of the UK. Scotland has long been a thorn in the side of the Tories, as they never win any seats there. By removing it from the equation completely, they effectively gerrymander the entire of the rest of the union – such as it is by that point – in their favour.

Maybe my suggestion of an unrestrained Tory government for a generation sounds fanciful. But give them a 3-figure majority and remove Scotland from the equation. Now imagine Labour or the Lib Dems closing that gap in less than 4 election cycles. Can’t? Neither can I.

Of course, there’s a bunch of other reasons for holding the election now, which I’ll try and cover in another post. But the above are the main ones and, to answer your next question; no, it isn’t too early to start drinking.

How:

It’s pretty much in the bag and is theirs to lose. Aided by Jeremy Corbyn, who will spend the whole election campaign protesting against the Poll Tax and talking about how he’s actually really popular despite all evidence to the contrary.

Predictions:

They will win and you will sell your children into slavery because it will drastically improve their quality of life.

Blind party loyalty will mean the Tories under-perform in many of their target Labour seats. They will also lose some seats back to the Lib Dems. This combination will prevent the 100+ working majority, leaving the Prime Minister with something nearer 70 seats with which to ruin the country.